Sunday, 8 January 2017

My childhood teddy..

Dear Diary..
My mum bought me a teddy when I was a child, we were in Leeds General Infirmary after one of my brain surgeries, my mum never had much money but she liked to give us what she could, & when I saw this teddy & she told me she couldn't afford it, apparently I broke my heart all the way back to the ward.. so once she had settled me down for a sleep she snooped off to the shop & bought me that teddy. I named him Brunty. I even had the ward place a hospital band around his neck with his name on & the date I got him. I loved him so much! then a few years later I was vising my sperm-donor's house (my birth dad) for the weekend, & when it came to coming home I accidentally forgot Brunty & left him there... so when it came to going back there 2 weeks later, I ran straight up the stairs to get him & I walked into one of my step-sisters bedrooms to find that their mum had put Brunty in the middle of their cuddly toys & took his tag off, & when I tried to tell my dad it was Brunty his wife lied through her teeth & claimed it to be one of her daughters, & he believed her, over me!
He knew how much I loved that teddy, I was 10 years old & his wife took my best friend away from me! my best friend who had been through all my surgeries with me, & was always there to comfort me when nobody else could! after that I didn't want to go to his house anymore, & a months after that, he cut all ties with us & stopped seeing us all together, I never did get Brunty back
A few months past & I was trying to carry on without Brunty, I was so lost. then one afternoon I was browsing through the Argos catalog & looking for stuff I wanted for Christmas & that's when I saw him... a new teddy, he was awesome! I can still remember the very moment I saw him & how much I wanted him! you could place him into different positions & all sorts. my mum being the Christmas crazy lady that she is, just said to me, "wait & see what Santa brings you" I was so excited.
finally Christmas morning came & I raced downstairs to open my presents, but there was no teddy there, I was disheartened but tried to hide my disappointment nevertheless! a few hours later my eldest sister arrived & my mum took me to aside & gave me this extra present & just smiled at me, without any hesitation I riped open the present & there he was... my new teddy! I was so happy that I burst into tears! my mum burst into tears & even my sister shed a few tears!
Fast forward to now & "Snuggles the Teddy" has been with me since I was 11 years old, I am going to be 30 this year, which makes Snuggles 18 years old!! he is still very much loved too..
My children adore him! Joel still asks to sleep with him whenever he has a nightmare & my daughter loves to involve him when she is playing with her dollies. he's her "baby" they both know though that Snuggles belongs to Mummy, & even though I allow them to play with him, they have to look after him too. I know this probably sounds crazy, but Snuggles is going to be put in my coffin with me when I die, because I want him to be there comforting me, just one last time.

Tuesday, 13 December 2016

it's nearly Christmas!

- Dear Diary...

So today we attended Joel's school play... & he did amazing! He was an Angel & he said his lines very clear & I am just so proud. in fact the entire of Year 1 did amazingly! I can't actually believe how fast Christmas has come around this year, I am so proud of how well Joel is doing in school, he's growing up so fast & sometimes I am afraid to blink. 

it's not just him though, even Felicity is growing up faster than I want her too. She is talking in full sentences now, she definitely has her own mind & she knows exactly what she wants. We had a stop off at a little Cafe this morning for a mince pie & a cup of tea before heading back to school for Joel's play & the women that was working was besotted with her, as we were clering up to leave Felicity was picking up the cups & little plates & taking them to the women & she kindly commented us on how well mannered & behaved she was, it's really nice when someone praises your parenting skills!

Roll on Christmas now, I am so excited for it this year, it's going to be great. 

Saturday, 10 December 2016

Just a "normal" mum.

- Dear Diary...

It's definetely the little things in life that spur me on to keep going! even when I don't want to anymore... today was one of those days! I woke up his morning really not wanting to get out of bed & face the world, I was in agony after being up from 4am with pain! but I had to get up & "adult" regardless, because my children had a birthday party they had been invited too...

The father of the little boys party we were going to even agreed to collect us, drive us to the party destination & bring us home again - which was really nice of him! so at 10am this morning I headed out to Megaplay with Joel & Felicity for this birthday party, & as much as my stomach was churning from the anxiety of having to be around people that I didn't really know, I had to do this for my children! I wanted them to have a "normal day" & I definitely didn't want them missing out.

& as it goes I had an amazing time with Joel & Felicity! in fact, I was one of the only mums at the party actually charging around like a "fruit loop" with all the kids! I am a total kid myself & an absolute SUCKER for a soft play center. It was so much fun! Joel & Fliss had an amazing afternoon, but I definitely think I had the most fun! ;)

I am totally paying for it this evening though, I can barely move & I am in a lot of pain, but getting to run around with my children, spend time with them & hear them laughing & screaming with delight as I chased them was the best feeling ever today, it's definitely the little things in life that make all the pain & shit worth it. Today for just a few hours, I was a "normal mum" not just a "Spoonie mum" who is always stuck in bed & missing out on her children because of my Chronic condition!

Today I had an amazing day with my babies, & this pain tonight is so worth it. X

Sunday, 4 December 2016

2017 is my year! Bring it on.

Dear Diary...

Wow! it's been a few weeks since I posted here, but I guess at the same time, that is a good thing, because when I am not posting here, that means I am happy & not thinking negatively! not that I want my blog to be entirely negative because I don't, I love being able to post positively about how happy I am feeling & how good things are going, which right now they really are.. 

At the beginning of November I joined back up to Younique which for me has been a massive boost in my confidence, I have already qualified my business & I am now heading for my next promotion! it has been something that I am strongly passionate about ever since it came into my life in July 2015, but it's only now that I am truly starting to enjoy my life & my journey. after a dark 5 months, I am now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I am now within a new team, a new sponsor, & they're all just an amazing bunch of girls, they really have my back & I finally feel as though I fit in somewhere, & I have never in my life felt like that, I have always felt as though I have been someones second option, when the thing they wanted didn't go right, then & only then would they choose me! well, I don't want to be anybody's option no more, so I am finally doing things for me! I have never felt the feeling that I have inside of me right now, & that feeling is DRIVE, drive to make myself thrive & become someone I want to be! Although I am still having a lot of health issues, I am not letting it get me down, I am trying my very best to stay positive! everyday I try to the find the positive in every negative. I do now truly believe that some things happen for a reason, & because of that, because I have learnt to let go of things & people that bring me down & only want me for their benefit, I am in a really good place right now!

I am currently going through a lot regarding my health! I have had 2 MRI scans in the past 6 weeks, the first one on my spinal cord & neck came back all clear, & the second one on my brain which I had on Wednesday (30th November) I am still awaiting the results! I have an appointment with my neurologist on 9th December, & I am hoping that he can give me my results & its not another wait to see my neurosurgeon! on top of that, I also have an appointment on 12th December at the Glaucoma clinic for a field test & then a further appointment will be booked for me to see a consultant in the new year, which I am sorta hoping will be the answers to all my migraines, as my shunts malfunctioning have already been ruled out, so regarding my health, I have a lot going on! but my Younique & my little family are what are keeping me strong right now! My husband is amazing, my children are my world & Christmas is around the corner, life doesnt get any better than that! I am so excited to spend it with my little family! 

At the moment life is good & I am loving how good I feel. I just hope this good feeling inside me carries on! because I like being who I am right now. 2017 is going to be my year, I can just feel it in my bones! I am going to grow & develop & become the person I have always wanted to be & nobody is going to stop me. 

Monday, 31 October 2016

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

Safe to say my babies had an amazing evening Trick or Treating in the neighborhood gathering sweeties & goodies in their little buckets! some people might believe that Trick or Treating is seen as begging, but do you know what? I think that is an absolute pile of shite, for one, if it was seen as "begging" then why do people purposely go out & buy sweets in for children who knock at their door? if you don't want to partake in this one evening in the whole year that is seen as a "Bit Of Fun" for kids to dress up, & go out collecting sweets for them to then gorge themselves sick on over the next few days, then switch off your lights, go out for the evening, just don't damper the spirits of those just trying to have a little fun for the evening. 

I for one, LOVE Halloween! I don't for one second see it as begging & every year I make sure there is goodies in for when little children come to my door dressed up in their adorable/scary outfits, its all part of the fun! my two loved it tonight. we went out at 5pm & came back home at 7pm! a whole 2 hours of walking the streets knocking n doors that had pumpkins displayed or lights on, receiving goodies from each door, & I also made sure they said thank you to every person that gave them something! they loved it, & went to bed two very happy little people that both now have a bucket each full of sweets to scoff over the next week or so! 

my children are 6 years old & 2 years old to see the excitement in their faces when I said this evening "who wants to go trick or treating" will never get old, I don't care what miserable people think.. 

Sunday, 23 October 2016

- Just a short update..

Dear Diary... 

so it has only taken exactly 19 month, but I am hopeful that after all this time everything is now finally starting to fall into place! 

I had an MRI scan on my spinal cored & brain on 16th October which was merited by my neurosurgeon after me seeing him on 8th September & basically him taking one look at me & seeing how much pain I was in! now, CT scans I do not mind, MRI scans on the other hand.. I now totally understand why as a child my mu always had me sedated. I may have laughed & joked when they were rolling me in there, but once I was in there I started to freak a little bit, I felt like I was being buried alive & I am not normally a person who gets claustrophobic! plus all the noise & vibrating from the machine didn't help my situation. 

In the end I just laid there breathing deep with my eye squeezed shut & thinking about all the stupid memes I had come across on Google to take my mind off it. NOPE! NEVER AGAIN. EVER. Plus I then had this horrible headache afterwards that hung around all day long. 

we get the results for the mri scan on 7th November, & then yesterday I received a letter from the neurology clinic to say I am booked in to see someone on the 9th December! I am hoping this means that my neurosurgeon has looked over my scans & already has a care plan ready to put into action & fingers crossed come Christmas I will be on said care plan & know what is going on, because 19 months is a long time to be fobbed off by hospitals & suffer in constant everyday pain that you can't even explain without someone thinking that your milking it or trying to make shit about you. 

I am just glad I have some proper friends who understand what I am going through, because they are also going through something similar themselves, because there is no-way anyone that doesn't suffer like this can fully understand without being a bit of a nob, take my "best friend" in my previous post for instance! 

I am just soo ready to be out of pain & to begin feeling more positive again, because this limbo I have been living in for the last almost 20 months, has been almost like Hell. 

Sunday, 16 October 2016

Coincidence, or a plan?

Dear Diary.. 

Have you ever sat & thought about the "coincidences" in your life? 

Get this.. 
I was born in Barrow in Furness, I got transferred to Leeds General Infirmary to have my shunt put in place just 24 hours after birth, & then spent 7 months in that hospital, & my entire childhood travelling backward & forwards between Barrow & Leeds with my mum for appointments & surgeries. 

& if that isn't crazy enough, when I turned 17 I met the man of my dreams who, LIVED IN LEEDS! so I then spent 1.5 years travelling backward & forward between Barrow & Leeds to be with him, before I up-sticks & moved to Leeds in July 2007.

& now, if anything ever goes wrong with me - yep, I sound like a machine! my mum doesn't worry, well obviously she worries but in a sense she doesn't because she knows that I always end up in Leeds General Infirmary where I spent my childhood! - it's crazy to think I have literally walked them hospital corridors since I was a child & never before thought anything about it.   

in 2010 & 2014, I also brought both of my children into the world at Leeds General, & when I had Joel & was on the transitional ward with him where he was being looked after, the neonatal nurse recognized my name, & it only turned out that she was one of the nurses who looked after me as a child & she was now looking after my child!!! crazy right? Joel then went on to have his CCAM surgery in Leeds, so not only did that hospital save my life, they saved my son's life too. 

I may have been born in Barrow in Furness, but all my life I have been an "on the side" Yorkshire Lass!! I was telling Neil's dad whilst we were at the hospital today that I was brought to Leeds as a baby to have my shunt put in & that I had spent my entire childhood in & out of this hospital & he couldn't believe it!! 

He just said that it's fate I ended up living in Leeds & that someone up there obviously wanted me & Neil to be together in Leeds, so that him & his family could look after me, when my mum couldn't. 

which for the record, they do a great job! :) 

Monday, 10 October 2016

Today is World Mental Health Day

I have fought Manic Depression & PTSD since I was 19 years old. I have had PND twice, & I have walked into my health visitors office with my child's bags packed & told her to take him away from me because I wasn't good enough for him. I have spent YEARS fighting with myself & the demons in my head, fighting to find myself once more, I have been on & off god knows how many different medications, & I been under umpteen different counselors & I have fought those horrible thoughts & people in my head that tell me to just end it all.

I am one of the MANY faces of Mental Health, I have been bullied all my life, through school, college & even work! I have been shamed as a parent & a wife & YET I still stand strong, fighting back & showing the world that, you know what? FUCK YOU!!

I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!! I am not afraid to admit that yes I have problems, I am not afraid of the nightmares that used to eat me up for days, now I talk about them instead of bottling it up, & it helps. I am not afraid to open up & say that I am having a shit day & I need a cuddle & a chat. EVERYDAY I am learning my triggers & finding ways to conquer them! everyday I get that tiny bit stronger, & yes I have my fall backs, I get angry, I lash out, & then I feel guilty & want to die! but thankfully, I am blessed & so grateful for ALL the people in my life that are always there to help me out of a shit mood, those that are always there to make me laugh when all I want to do is cry, those that go out of their way to help me realize that, YES!! I am NEEDED, WANTED & LOVED, when all I want to do is curl up into a ball & die.

I am not the person I was when I was 19 years old, I have grown, I still struggle, but I am stronger & with each & every day I am kicking the asses of all those demons & I am saying fuck you to Manic Depression & PTSD. I have come a long way in all those years, & for that I am & always will be, proud of myself.

Friday, 7 October 2016

Fighting PTSD.

I was 15  years old when it happened. I was on Blake Street in Barrow in Furness (my home town) & I was calling for a friend as I did most nights, but on this night he wasn't in, & as I was walking away I came across two brothers & a women in a car all shouting & screaming. so me being a 15 year old, I decided to have a "nosy" & stand out of view, to see what they were arguing over. what happened in the next 10 minutes, has haunted me ever since.. 

The young lad was stood in front of a young girls car, he was shouting for her to run him down, she was obviously refusing to do so, & his brother was stood in the road also shouting at him to "calm the fuck down" he then shouted back "well if you won't run me down, I will find someone who will" & in those seconds, everything moved so quickly, before anyone could do anything, the lad walked away & to the side of the road, he stood at the curb & waited for an oncoming car to go over the speed bumps, he was stood there as if he was waiting to cross the road, but that didn't happen, instead, he waited until this car was meters from him & dived under the bonnet headfirst whilst the car was moving! the person driving obviously put on their breaks on but it was too late, the young lad went straight under the car & was dragged a few meters down the road underneath said car until it came to a stop.

everything around me blurred, fear totally overtook my body, I couldn't believe what my eyes had just seen! the boy was laid in the road, the driver got out of the car & was in tears & the lads brother was in hysterics, screaming! he then dash off, & I don't know what happened, my first reaction was to dash over to him, but the scene that greeted my eyes was not pretty. the lad was messed up, he was covered in blood, he was shaking & he was making a gurgling, rattling noise. I covered him in my coat, & I told someone else who was just gawping to call an ambulance! then his best mate came to his side & I stood back, just watching this scene unfold. his family slowly swarmed around him & then the police & an ambulance arrived, I was pulled to the side of the road by an officer, but I couldn't speak, all I could do was shake, so he put me in the back of his car, he covered me with his jacket, because mine was around the young lad laid in the road, & I just then sat in the police car, with the door open asking if the lad was okay.... nobody knew. for the next half an hour I watched as the ambulance arrived & attended to the boy & the police spoke to the driver & witnesses that were jotted around the street. about an hour later, the police officer kindly offered to take me home & visit me in a few days time. 

School for the following few days was awful, the lads name was revealed to be Paul Price, a lad I had gone right through junior school with. he was a year above me & although I didn't know him as a friend as such, I knew of him & how much of a lovely guy he was. he was plastered all over the papers for about a week, & then the worse news came. after 2 days in hospital, due to Paul's serve head injuries, he lost his battle & passed away. this shock me more than I ever expected it would. everyone in school was talking about it, talking about him & this accident, & yet nobody knew that I had been there, I had watched him end his life. 

Soon came his funeral, & I think this is when it really hit me hard. I was 15 & had never been to a funeral before, but I wanted to go, I wanted to pay my respects to his family & hopefully get some closure for myself, but this wasn't the case. I am pretty sure now that me attending that funeral & my brain realizing that the accident that I had watched unfold had put an 18 year old boy in a coffin & I was now having to watch his heartbroken family having to say goodbye to him, it totally broke me. a few days after his funeral I was visited again by the officer that had put me in his car the evening of the accident. He interviewed me & got my version of what happened - because the papers were saying he "slipped off the curb" how does someone slip off the curb & end up in the middle of the road under the bonnet of a car? slipped, no, he dived. plain & simple. I told the officer everything that he asked & then I asked him a few questions because a few things by this point were already haunting me. I told him that when I ran over to him he was shaking & making a gurgling noise... the officer than told me that this noise is known as "death rattle" it is a noise that a human makes when they are dying & their organs are slowly shutting down. this of course traumatized me even more because then I couldn't stop thinking about how he was laid there dying in the road right in front of my eyes.

The case was eventually closed by the police as a suicide & that was that, for them at least. for me, I have been haunted with nightmares ever since. I have had numerous counselling to try & help, I have nightmares & they are so real, but they ain't of him, they are of my children, or my family members, laid in that road, making that horrible noise. I wake up shaking & sweating & it messes me up for days. I can't think straight, I can't concentrate & I can't sleep, in fear of having another nightmare. I am now 29 years old & those nightmares still haunt me, I have tried so hard to move on from it, but it's like my brain won't let me. 

I am now looking into having therapy for PTSD, in hopes that this may help me, because it has been 13 years since Paul died, & to me, it still feels like it was last week, the dreams are so real, when I think about it, it all plays out so clearly in my head as if it was yesterday, I hear his brother screaming, I hear the car breaks screeching & I hear him making that horrible gurgling noise & see him covered in blood. I don't want to see or hear it anymore. 

Friday, 30 September 2016

Follow Your Heart..

I got asked today what was so good about Younique & why I wanted to go back? well let me just say this....
Younique isn't just about selling make-up, although that is a really fun side to it. Younique is all about Empowering Women, lifting them up when they're on the brink of breaking, it's all about confidence building, helping women to believe in themselves, & helping them to put themselves back together again! Younique saved me!

it gave me the confidence that I never thought I would find, it helped me to put myself back together again after so many years of letting Manic Depression rule me, & in doing so, I believe that I truly found myself & something that I was GOOD AT in the process but along the way I have also formed some amazing friendships too!

don't get me wrong, I still have my blips, & that is why I made the decision in May to step away from Younique when I did, because I didn't feel like I deserved it, I got myself back in that awful frame of mind again, but I also truly believe that when something is meant to be, it comes back to you! 

I was with another MLM for 5 months, & all I could think about was Younique, for 5 months I wracked my brain as to whether I could go back, but then I had a conversation with someone & it completely changed my mindset! 1 conversation with one AMAZING person made me see that I needed to do what was best for ME! I know I made my mistakes, who doesn't, but with Younique I feel whole, I feel like I know who I am! it has made me such a better person! & I so badly want to be that better person! I now know where I belong & that is & always has been, with Younique!