Thursday, 19 October 2017

The Life Of Captain Jack Sparrow.

Dear Diary...

On Sunday 13th August my world was torn apart when my neighbor knocked on our door at 9am & told my husband that our beloved 5 year old cat, Jack Sparrow had grown his wings & gone to heaven! I was still in bed when my husband was given this news, so he then had to come upstairs & break it to me. I will never forget those words, even writing this now, I want to cry. The seriousness & concern on his face when he said those words, will never leave my mind. The very words I have always dreaded hearing from the moment I let Jack Sparrow outside as a kitten to explore. 

He just came out with it & at first I thought I had misheard him, or I was still dreaming & I was about to wake up at any moment, so I asked him to say it again & it was then that I realized, this was real.... 

"Babe, come here, I need to tell you something, Jack's been hit by a car & he's died" 

I just sat there numb for a couple of seconds & then I actually felt my heart break, & the pain hit me like I had been stabbed, I couldn't breathe or think, I couldn't even cry, I just sat there for a few seconds, completely numb!... he was gone! 

Then out of nowhere I remember jumping out of bed & dashing downstairs to find my neighbor stood at my backdoor, I had no shoes on, I was crying & covered in snot, but I didn't care, I needed to get to Jack Sparrow, I needed to see him! So my friend put me in her car & drove me literally 2 seconds around the corner on to the bottom green near my house, where I expected to see him laid in the road, because this is what I had been told, that he was found in the road, but when we arrived he wasn't there, nobody was! so my friend then drove me back home & there stood another one of my friends holding a bag, that had my boy inside! she had picked him up & brought him home to me. She instantly hugged me, but all I could do was push away, I pushed past my husband who was stood next to the bag & I opened it up, praying harder than I ever have in my entire life, hoping it wasn't him. hoping they had got it wrong! I didn't recognize him, his fur was wet, & as I moved further up his body I noticed blood around his neck & his ear, then I saw his blue collar... & I just remember collapsing on the floor & crying the hardest I ever have in my life, my neighbors tell me I was screaming, but I don't remember making any noise, I just remember crying, & in that moment wanting to die with him!


Everything after that was a massive blur, I just couldn't believe this was happening... my beautiful baby boy, my best friend was gone! the worst part for me was then having to tell my son, Joel that Jack Sparrow was gone! so my husband brought him down from upstairs, I was sat on the kitchen floor & I told him to come & sit on my knee... He asked me if I was okay because I was crying & I told him no, i'm not okay & I need to tell you something, but you need to be very brave okay? he looked at me worried, but said okay, & I don't know how I managed it, but I managed to tell him... Jack has been in an accident, & he's gone to heaven. Joel broke down into tears & gave me a cuddle & we just sat there on the kitchen floor for 10 minutes, cuddling & crying.. I wanted to take this away from him so badly, he shouldn't have to feel this pain at 6 years old. Thankfully, our daughter Felicity is only 3, & she didn't understand what was going on in the slightest.. I have never squeezed my son so hard in my life, I have never seen him cry so hard either, which just made me worse. 

A few hours later after we had all calmed down, my neighbor from over the road helped me remove Jack from the bag, wrap him up & place him in a comfortable box. I still couldn't look at his face though, as I didn't want that to be the last thing I see & remember of him! I want to remember him as the happy cat he was! I did give him an awkward cuddle tho, he was semi-hard as rigor had set in, so it wasn't the best of cuddles, I told him I loved him & that I was sorry I wasn't there to comfort him when he died, but that I was here now to make sure he was comfortable after half an hour, I placed him in the box, said my goodbyes & closed the box up tight so nobody else could get in it..I had to leave him in the outhouse over night as it was a Sunday & we couldn't take him to be cremated until the morning, & that for me was the worst thing, leaving him in that outhouse all on his own.. I know he was gone, but he was my baby & I had to leave him in there on his own, as I couldn't have him in the house because of the kids.  

On Monday 14th August, Neil took Jack Sparrow to our vets to have him cremated. We got his ashes back on 21st August, so just a week & he now sits in the kitchen with me on the window. In the week of his passing, I completely tortured myself wondering what had happened & how he had been killed on such a quiet road on a Sunday morning! so a few days after his passing I called our vet, & spoke to the lady that tendered to Jack after my husband left him. She said that Jack Sparrow had massive head trauma that could only have been caused by a head-on collision, which means he would have been knocked out the instant the car hit him & he wouldn't have felt or known a thing! this really helped to put my mind at rest, & it really helped give me some closure on how he died. 

It's been 10 weeks now since Jack Sparrow passed away & I still miss him so much, some nights I still cry myself to sleep, thinking about him! for my 30th birthday on 30th September my husband surprised me with a new kitten... well I say surprised, it was more arranged & wasn't even really a surprise as I knew about it.. Our new kitten Lulu, was born on 30th August 2017, just 2.5 weeks after Jack Sparrows death, & she is now coming up almost 8 weeks old, she will be coming to live with us in the next week or so, & I can't help feeling a slight pang of guilt for getting another cat so soon after Jack Sparrow, but I also know, deep in my heart that nothing can or will ever replace my beautiful boy, & I also have to think about our 2.5 year old female cat Serah that Jack Sparrow left behind who is very lonely at the moment, as she grew up with Jack, from her being an 8 week old kitten herself, so she has also been grieving for him herself & I have had to make sure that she was okay before another cat entered our house, which is why we decided to get Lulu through a friend who's cat was pregnant at the time of Jacks death, as I knew it would be a few weeks before the kitten came to live with us, giving us plenty of time to grieve for Jack Sparrow... 

I know he wouldn't want me to be unhappy, he was my cuddle buddy when I was poorly & I have really missed him when i've been ill, i've missed his purring as I fall asleep & his curling up next to me in bed for our afternoon naps! but it would seem Serah has sensed this & taken his place, as she now comes to bed with me for naps, & curls up with me when i'm poorly too! cats really are beautiful souls, & you don't pick them, they pick you. 

I miss you everyday my beautiful boy, & you will always be in my heart & my memories, until we meet again at Rainbow Bridge, where I know you will be waiting for me. 


Friday, 14 July 2017

Hemiplegic Migraine

On Wednesday (12th July) I spoke to my doctor due to my migraines & the weakness, pins/needles & pain in my left side getting worse! I told him about going into hospital at the back end of last last year with a suspected stroke & what the stroke team had said to me & without even doubting me, he's looked through the notes & completely agreed with the guy from the stroke team. 

So on Wednesday next week I have to go for a clinical examination with him just so he can confirm it in person, & to also start me on proper medication. but after living the last 1.5 years in HELL, I have FINALLY been diagnosed with a rare condition called "Hemiplegic Migraine" A person with "Hemiplegic Migraine" will experience a temporary weakness on one side of their body as part of their migraine attack. This can involve the face, arm or leg & be accompanied by numbness, &/or pins & needles. Hemiplegic Migraine symptoms mimic someone who is having a stroke.. which also explains why the neuro-ward thought i'd had a stroke last year when this all started & I was sent to hospital.. the stroke team who spoke to me at the time mentioned Hemiplegic Migraine but my neurosurgeon didn't follow it up...

This condition explains EVERYTHING!!! it explains why my face & neck goes into spasm, it explains why my migraines can last as long as 12 days, it explains the weakness & the paralysis in the left side of my body, & whats more, I can get treatment, physio & lots of other things to help build me up again! I no longer have to feel like a big fat fake, & a utter fail as a mother & wife.

I will of course keep you all updated on how my appointment goes with my doctor on Wednesday (19th June) 

Thank you for taking the time to stop & read my blog, it is much appreciated. xo  

Saturday, 8 July 2017

Our Baby Girl is now 3! Where do the years go?

- Recently we celebrated Felicity's 3rd birthday. 

I still actually cannot believe that my little girl, my last baby is now 3 years old & starting school next September, it only feels like last week that we were welcoming her into the world & Joel was chuffed to bits about having a little sister. 

Felicity's party was held 7 days before her birthday, due to it being the only time that all the family (well the majority) could make it. She had a fantastic day & was spoilt completely rotten when it came to gifts from family & friends. 


On Monday 3rd July, we celebrated Felicity's birthday, just us, a family of four, as Nanna & Granddad are currently away on Holiday (hence the early birthday party) but she still had a great day!! unfortunately, Joel & daddy where both poorly all day, so myself Fliss spent the day together, playing with her new dolls house & other toys & just completely avoiding the boys & their germs! 

Nevertheless though, she still had a lovely day & ate far too much cake! 

Am I finally on to something??

- Hey there! 

It has been such a long time since I have posted on my blog, & for that I apologise. 

In the last 7 months since I posted, I have been through so much that I am not actually quite sure where to start. I can't even quite remember where I left things, that is exactly how long it has been. so I guess I am just going to start off from the beginning & hope that you all catch up. ;) 

The last time I posted on here I was having problems with my left side, my headaches were at their worst & I was so low! Late last year I was rushed to the LGI with a suspected stroke, thankfully it wasn't a stroke, but the stroke team that I spoke to did mention "Hemiplegic Migraine" I of course at the time, thought absolutely nothing about this & from there is when my neurosurgeon ordered for me to have a few MRI scans on my neck, spine & brain! 

After 3 months of backwards & forwards to the hospital having scans, my neurosurgeon found nothing - which I guess is a good thing, but in another it wasn't, not for me who was suffering these symptoms on a daily basis.. so he then referred me to a Neurologist, who again did tests on me, & in January 2017, she diagnosed me with FND - (Functional Neurological Disorder) at the time, (January) I accepted this diagnosed & got on with life. 

Now it seems, 6 months later, my headaches are back with a vengeance, I can barely use my left side AT ALL, so I am having to struggle using my right side, which is a massive pain in the arse when you're left handed!! & I am constantly suffering with leg, arm & face spasms, nausea & dizziness. I was taken back into hospital in May after suffering with a migraine for 12 days - I panicked that it was my shunts, so they took me in & did tests, but nope! my shunts were working just fine, so here I am in July, still suffering these horrendous symptoms that in my gut I know aren't "FND" because it's getting worse & worse, & now my neurosurgeon has decided that because I missed my last appointment - due a to a migraine, IRONIC! he is now not sending me out anymore appointments. 

Luckily though, I have been speaking to one of my best friends, who's mum suffers with Hemiplegic Migraine! I sent her a video of my last episode, when my entire left side of my face & neck where in spasm for a good 30 minutes, & she has said that what she saw from that video of me has completely reminded her of her mum, so she sent me a link for Hemiplegic Migraine - which is a rare condition & my symptoms fit like a jigsaw piece! 

How weird is it, that a few months ago, a man from the stroke team at LGI mentioned "Hemiplegic Migraine," (that obviously wasn't passed on to my neurosurgeon,) & then a few months later, I get speaking to someone who's mum suffers with the condition! 

so I am now going to be going to my doctor & asking to be tested for it, or whatever it is that they need to do to get me diagnosed, because I honestly can't live like this anymore.... I fell down the stairs last week, & have ONLY JUST been able to move around again without agonizing pain!

I am just sick of living like this... in the last 12 months, my husband has become my carer, because I can hardly do anything for myself anymore, I struggle to get dressed, I can't get out of bed on my own, I can't even be LEFT on my own, because I do stupid stuff like fall down the stairs!! I just want to feel slightly normal again... & I know for a fact that I don't have FND!! that is just a neurosurgeons' posh way of saying, 

"I can't be arsed dealing with you because you don't need surgery" if you ask me! 

I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday to speak with him about it all, 
so I shall keep you all updated! (if anyone even follows my blog anymore!)

Thank you for reading & see you next time! xo 

Sunday, 8 January 2017

My childhood teddy..

Dear Diary..
My mum bought me a teddy when I was a child, we were in Leeds General Infirmary after one of my brain surgeries, my mum never had much money but she liked to give us what she could, & when I saw this teddy & she told me she couldn't afford it, apparently I broke my heart all the way back to the ward.. so once she had settled me down for a sleep she snooped off to the shop & bought me that teddy. I named him Brunty. I even had the ward place a hospital band around his neck with his name on & the date I got him. I loved him so much! then a few years later I was vising my sperm-donor's house (my birth dad) for the weekend, & when it came to coming home I accidentally forgot Brunty & left him there... so when it came to going back there 2 weeks later, I ran straight up the stairs to get him & I walked into one of my step-sisters bedrooms to find that their mum had put Brunty in the middle of their cuddly toys & took his tag off, & when I tried to tell my dad it was Brunty his wife lied through her teeth & claimed it to be one of her daughters, & he believed her, over me!
He knew how much I loved that teddy, I was 10 years old & his wife took my best friend away from me! my best friend who had been through all my surgeries with me, & was always there to comfort me when nobody else could! after that I didn't want to go to his house anymore, & a months after that, he cut all ties with us & stopped seeing us all together, I never did get Brunty back
A few months past & I was trying to carry on without Brunty, I was so lost. then one afternoon I was browsing through the Argos catalog & looking for stuff I wanted for Christmas & that's when I saw him... a new teddy, he was awesome! I can still remember the very moment I saw him & how much I wanted him! you could place him into different positions & all sorts. my mum being the Christmas crazy lady that she is, just said to me, "wait & see what Santa brings you" I was so excited.
finally Christmas morning came & I raced downstairs to open my presents, but there was no teddy there, I was disheartened but tried to hide my disappointment nevertheless! a few hours later my eldest sister arrived & my mum took me to aside & gave me this extra present & just smiled at me, without any hesitation I riped open the present & there he was... my new teddy! I was so happy that I burst into tears! my mum burst into tears & even my sister shed a few tears!
Fast forward to now & "Snuggles the Teddy" has been with me since I was 11 years old, I am going to be 30 this year, which makes Snuggles 18 years old!! he is still very much loved too..
My children adore him! Joel still asks to sleep with him whenever he has a nightmare & my daughter loves to involve him when she is playing with her dollies. he's her "baby" they both know though that Snuggles belongs to Mummy, & even though I allow them to play with him, they have to look after him too. I know this probably sounds crazy, but Snuggles is going to be put in my coffin with me when I die, because I want him to be there comforting me, just one last time.

Tuesday, 13 December 2016

it's nearly Christmas!

- Dear Diary...

So today we attended Joel's school play... & he did amazing! He was an Angel & he said his lines very clear & I am just so proud. in fact the entire of Year 1 did amazingly! I can't actually believe how fast Christmas has come around this year, I am so proud of how well Joel is doing in school, he's growing up so fast & sometimes I am afraid to blink. 

it's not just him though, even Felicity is growing up faster than I want her too. She is talking in full sentences now, she definitely has her own mind & she knows exactly what she wants. We had a stop off at a little Cafe this morning for a mince pie & a cup of tea before heading back to school for Joel's play & the women that was working was besotted with her, as we were clering up to leave Felicity was picking up the cups & little plates & taking them to the women & she kindly commented us on how well mannered & behaved she was, it's really nice when someone praises your parenting skills!

Roll on Christmas now, I am so excited for it this year, it's going to be great. 

Saturday, 10 December 2016

Just a "normal" mum.

- Dear Diary...

It's definetely the little things in life that spur me on to keep going! even when I don't want to anymore... today was one of those days! I woke up his morning really not wanting to get out of bed & face the world, I was in agony after being up from 4am with pain! but I had to get up & "adult" regardless, because my children had a birthday party they had been invited too...

The father of the little boys party we were going to even agreed to collect us, drive us to the party destination & bring us home again - which was really nice of him! so at 10am this morning I headed out to Megaplay with Joel & Felicity for this birthday party, & as much as my stomach was churning from the anxiety of having to be around people that I didn't really know, I had to do this for my children! I wanted them to have a "normal day" & I definitely didn't want them missing out.

& as it goes I had an amazing time with Joel & Felicity! in fact, I was one of the only mums at the party actually charging around like a "fruit loop" with all the kids! I am a total kid myself & an absolute SUCKER for a soft play center. It was so much fun! Joel & Fliss had an amazing afternoon, but I definitely think I had the most fun! ;)

I am totally paying for it this evening though, I can barely move & I am in a lot of pain, but getting to run around with my children, spend time with them & hear them laughing & screaming with delight as I chased them was the best feeling ever today, it's definitely the little things in life that make all the pain & shit worth it. Today for just a few hours, I was a "normal mum" not just a "Spoonie mum" who is always stuck in bed & missing out on her children because of my Chronic condition!

Today I had an amazing day with my babies, & this pain tonight is so worth it. X

Sunday, 4 December 2016

2017 is my year! Bring it on.

Dear Diary...

Wow! it's been a few weeks since I posted here, but I guess at the same time, that is a good thing, because when I am not posting here, that means I am happy & not thinking negatively! not that I want my blog to be entirely negative because I don't, I love being able to post positively about how happy I am feeling & how good things are going, which right now they really are.. 

At the beginning of November I joined back up to Younique which for me has been a massive boost in my confidence, I have already qualified my business & I am now heading for my next promotion! it has been something that I am strongly passionate about ever since it came into my life in July 2015, but it's only now that I am truly starting to enjoy my life & my journey. after a dark 5 months, I am now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I am now within a new team, a new sponsor, & they're all just an amazing bunch of girls, they really have my back & I finally feel as though I fit in somewhere, & I have never in my life felt like that, I have always felt as though I have been someones second option, when the thing they wanted didn't go right, then & only then would they choose me! well, I don't want to be anybody's option no more, so I am finally doing things for me! I have never felt the feeling that I have inside of me right now, & that feeling is DRIVE, drive to make myself thrive & become someone I want to be! Although I am still having a lot of health issues, I am not letting it get me down, I am trying my very best to stay positive! everyday I try to the find the positive in every negative. I do now truly believe that some things happen for a reason, & because of that, because I have learnt to let go of things & people that bring me down & only want me for their benefit, I am in a really good place right now!

I am currently going through a lot regarding my health! I have had 2 MRI scans in the past 6 weeks, the first one on my spinal cord & neck came back all clear, & the second one on my brain which I had on Wednesday (30th November) I am still awaiting the results! I have an appointment with my neurologist on 9th December, & I am hoping that he can give me my results & its not another wait to see my neurosurgeon! on top of that, I also have an appointment on 12th December at the Glaucoma clinic for a field test & then a further appointment will be booked for me to see a consultant in the new year, which I am sorta hoping will be the answers to all my migraines, as my shunts malfunctioning have already been ruled out, so regarding my health, I have a lot going on! but my Younique & my little family are what are keeping me strong right now! My husband is amazing, my children are my world & Christmas is around the corner, life doesnt get any better than that! I am so excited to spend it with my little family! 

At the moment life is good & I am loving how good I feel. I just hope this good feeling inside me carries on! because I like being who I am right now. 2017 is going to be my year, I can just feel it in my bones! I am going to grow & develop & become the person I have always wanted to be & nobody is going to stop me. 

Monday, 31 October 2016

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

Safe to say my babies had an amazing evening Trick or Treating in the neighborhood gathering sweeties & goodies in their little buckets! some people might believe that Trick or Treating is seen as begging, but do you know what? I think that is an absolute pile of shite, for one, if it was seen as "begging" then why do people purposely go out & buy sweets in for children who knock at their door? if you don't want to partake in this one evening in the whole year that is seen as a "Bit Of Fun" for kids to dress up, & go out collecting sweets for them to then gorge themselves sick on over the next few days, then switch off your lights, go out for the evening, just don't damper the spirits of those just trying to have a little fun for the evening. 

I for one, LOVE Halloween! I don't for one second see it as begging & every year I make sure there is goodies in for when little children come to my door dressed up in their adorable/scary outfits, its all part of the fun! my two loved it tonight. we went out at 5pm & came back home at 7pm! a whole 2 hours of walking the streets knocking n doors that had pumpkins displayed or lights on, receiving goodies from each door, & I also made sure they said thank you to every person that gave them something! they loved it, & went to bed two very happy little people that both now have a bucket each full of sweets to scoff over the next week or so! 

my children are 6 years old & 2 years old to see the excitement in their faces when I said this evening "who wants to go trick or treating" will never get old, I don't care what miserable people think.. 

Sunday, 23 October 2016

- Just a short update..

Dear Diary... 

so it has only taken exactly 19 month, but I am hopeful that after all this time everything is now finally starting to fall into place! 

I had an MRI scan on my spinal cored & brain on 16th October which was merited by my neurosurgeon after me seeing him on 8th September & basically him taking one look at me & seeing how much pain I was in! now, CT scans I do not mind, MRI scans on the other hand.. I now totally understand why as a child my mu always had me sedated. I may have laughed & joked when they were rolling me in there, but once I was in there I started to freak a little bit, I felt like I was being buried alive & I am not normally a person who gets claustrophobic! plus all the noise & vibrating from the machine didn't help my situation. 

In the end I just laid there breathing deep with my eye squeezed shut & thinking about all the stupid memes I had come across on Google to take my mind off it. NOPE! NEVER AGAIN. EVER. Plus I then had this horrible headache afterwards that hung around all day long. 

we get the results for the mri scan on 7th November, & then yesterday I received a letter from the neurology clinic to say I am booked in to see someone on the 9th December! I am hoping this means that my neurosurgeon has looked over my scans & already has a care plan ready to put into action & fingers crossed come Christmas I will be on said care plan & know what is going on, because 19 months is a long time to be fobbed off by hospitals & suffer in constant everyday pain that you can't even explain without someone thinking that your milking it or trying to make shit about you. 

I am just glad I have some proper friends who understand what I am going through, because they are also going through something similar themselves, because there is no-way anyone that doesn't suffer like this can fully understand without being a bit of a nob, take my "best friend" in my previous post for instance! 

I am just soo ready to be out of pain & to begin feeling more positive again, because this limbo I have been living in for the last almost 20 months, has been almost like Hell. 

Sunday, 16 October 2016

Coincidence, or a plan?

Dear Diary.. 

Have you ever sat & thought about the "coincidences" in your life? 

Get this.. 
I was born in Barrow in Furness, I got transferred to Leeds General Infirmary to have my shunt put in place just 24 hours after birth, & then spent 7 months in that hospital, & my entire childhood travelling backward & forwards between Barrow & Leeds with my mum for appointments & surgeries. 

& if that isn't crazy enough, when I turned 17 I met the man of my dreams who, LIVED IN LEEDS! so I then spent 1.5 years travelling backward & forward between Barrow & Leeds to be with him, before I up-sticks & moved to Leeds in July 2007.

& now, if anything ever goes wrong with me - yep, I sound like a machine! my mum doesn't worry, well obviously she worries but in a sense she doesn't because she knows that I always end up in Leeds General Infirmary where I spent my childhood! - it's crazy to think I have literally walked them hospital corridors since I was a child & never before thought anything about it.   

in 2010 & 2014, I also brought both of my children into the world at Leeds General, & when I had Joel & was on the transitional ward with him where he was being looked after, the neonatal nurse recognized my name, & it only turned out that she was one of the nurses who looked after me as a child & she was now looking after my child!!! crazy right? Joel then went on to have his CCAM surgery in Leeds, so not only did that hospital save my life, they saved my son's life too. 

I may have been born in Barrow in Furness, but all my life I have been an "on the side" Yorkshire Lass!! I was telling Neil's dad whilst we were at the hospital today that I was brought to Leeds as a baby to have my shunt put in & that I had spent my entire childhood in & out of this hospital & he couldn't believe it!! 

He just said that it's fate I ended up living in Leeds & that someone up there obviously wanted me & Neil to be together in Leeds, so that him & his family could look after me, when my mum couldn't. 

which for the record, they do a great job! :)