Sunday, 13 October 2013

Diary Post #51. *Bad days & melt downs*

Dear Diary...

Today I am posting because I need to write. I need to get this guilt off my chest. 

Yesterday I had a complete breakdown. I woke up feeling totally disconnected from everything & it ended up me having a total break down & my husband pinning me to the sofa because I freaked out & he didn't want me accidentally hurting myself in my "state" but then I saw red & it resulted in me screaming in his face that I hated him :( 

For the record, I don't hate him. 

I just wanted him to get off me so I could run.... I want to run & never look back, but my husband being the amazingly patient & loving man that he is, he saw straight through my words & saw that I was at my most vulnerable & I needed him. So there was me, curled into a fetal position on the sofa & him curled up right behind me holding me tight, stroking my hair & talking to me softly until I stopped shaking & crying. I honestly don't know where that "episode" even came from, or what caused it. I just thank the lord that my son was sleeping in bed & not there to witness his crazy mummy have one of her "episodes" because I would of never forgiven myself if I had scared him :( it was bad enough that my cat had ran for his life & hid behind the sofa, only emerging again when we coaxed him with some ham. I then spent the afternoon snuggled with him on the sofa cuddling my cat & apologizing to him & my husband.

I haven't had a breakdown THAT BAD since Joel was 18 months old, but yesterday everything just came to a head & I totally "burst" :( I feel so horrible today.. & not to mention so ill & drained.

People reading this now probably think I am utterly gaga & should be given a straight jacket & locked up for good - trust me sometimes I think this'd be for the best.. but yesterday evening & again today me & my husband have done alot of talking, there was more crying on my part, but I do feel alot better. but I think it's going to take a while for this guilt to subside. I just wish I could just open up & talk in the first place instead of having to go through this every few months! 

I am honestly not a raving pysco-bitch like some think!  I just saw red when Neil held me down. I saw my past & I freaked. I know my husband would never harm a single hair on my head & he was only doing it for my own good, but I wasn't thinking "straight" at this point & all I COULD think of was how to escape his grip & RUN. 

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