Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Diary Post #56!! *The past 12 months...*

Dear Diary.

This past 12 months has been a very hard & difficult year for me but I crawled my way through the darkness, only lead by my beating heart. I didn't know if this nightmare of a journey would ever end & I didn't know where to start but I managed to find myself, once I realized that I was lost, even though I wasn't sure I knew my way. Some people told me to "pull myself together" others told me I was bitter & cold, I didn't know how to handle myself so I just let myself sink. I've had days that I never thought I would get through & I suffered extreme suicide thoughts, but thanks to the help & support of my amazing husband & my councilor Mary, I somehow got through the dark days & began the process of finding myself again. 

I realize now that when I was going through what I was, some people just didn't want or didn't know how to deal with me & my depression, so to save themselves they dropped me & cut all ties. At the time this didn't help, I thought the entire world was against me, & every word that came out of their mouths felt like I was being attacked, but now, I realize that they  were just trying to protect themselves. So now I have to live with the fact that my "potty mouth" hurt people & what's worse, I don't even remember half of the stuff I shot at them because I was so hell bent on hurting people as much as I was hurting I didn't think before I spoke. For that I feel ashamed & disgusted with myself.  

Now, almost 12 months later I feel like a complete different person, I am finally feeling happy again, something I never thought I would feel ever again. I know I hurt people & I pushed so many away with my heartless words, but now that I am "me" again, I am trying my best to apologize, put my wrongs right & build bridges were I can, because, & I know it's not much of an excuse, but I was a total mess, I wasn't me, that person I became wasn't me.

I just hope that one day people can forgive me & understand that I am not the cold hearted, disgusted person that I turned into. I have so much to look forward to. I have a beautiful son, an amazing husband, & our beautiful second baby on the way... plenty of reasons to fight my depression & keep it from beating me once again! I know one thing is for sure, I don't plan on sinking that low in my life ever again.

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