Sunday, 19 January 2014

Diary Post #57!! Be Warned: *A messy, emotional ramble type post.*

Dear diary.. 

The last 10 days have been a messy emotional roller coaster for me! 

On 10th January I was doing my usual route to collect my son from nursery when I was sexually assaulted by a male drunk. I have been involved with the police alot since it happened & on top of that I am suffering really bad with my anxiety. I hate the thought of leaving the house & when I do get the courage I am constantly looking over my shoulder or fighting the urge to "run". great way to start the year off right?

I am working so hard to get myself back on track. I've kinda just tried to push it all to the back of my mind until the police get in touch again, but for the last couple of nights now I have been having nightmares about a man (who looks like my attacker) coming into my house, stealing my son, murdering him & then coming after me! last night was the worst, I woke at 1.30am sweating & I was convinced a man (not my husband) had been stood at the end of my bed watching me sleep but then as I opened my eyes he "ducked down" so half asleep I shot to the bottom of my bed trying to find him, but when I looked on the floor at the bottom of my bed he was gone.. so I was just sat there at the bottom of my bed staring at the floor not really knowing whether what had just happened was real..? The sensible part of me knows that it's probably just my brain playing tricks & also probably a little bit of pregnancy dreams too, but it really freaked me out & so today I have been right on edge, not wanting to leave the house & i've just spent the day in my pjs cleaning & trying to distract my mind from the thoughts. 

The support I have had since it all happened is totally overwhelming but it also makes it all seem so real too, which makes me feel like people petty me! stupid I know :( so this evening I thought that maybe it would help if I looked into seeing my councilor Mary again but then I panicked because I thought how do I get in touch with her again & what would I say? I don't want to have to see a different councilor because Mary knows me, I saw her for 6 months last year but then I lost her number when I got a new phone so I have no way of contacting her & I don't want to have to go through my local support center again because they'll ask for a reason behind me wanting to see her & well, I'm okay writing the words "sexual assault" but saying it out loud, it makes me feel dirty. 

I'm just not myself at this moment in time & I am so hoping that the dirty scumbag is caught & justice is done for the what he has done to me physically & mentally because I am not going to lie, it has totally knocked me for six, I was doing so well with everything, I was finally getting somewhere & now I feel like all my hard work has gone to shit & is now ruined because of one dirty man! :( 

* I will start again & pick myself back up, I will put one foot in front of the other & begin to heal & become myself once again, it might just take some time. 

He won't beat me! I won't let him. 

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