Monday, 10 February 2014

Diary Post #58.

Dear Diary... 

This week I have fucked up BIG TIME with somebody who is very important to me. I did something I should never have done & I feel horrible.. I basically told her to "get over the fact that she can't have anymore kids & appreciate the one she has instead of winging over something she can't have" so she now thinks that I think I am better then her & I don't blame her if she never speaks to me ever again, I deserve it, but just for the record, I DON'T think I am better than her. Not by a long shot. I never have. I just have a few things going on myself & I couldn't handle her problems on top of my own worries. so I snapped & lost it a little.. :( 

I am now 18+4 weeks pregnant & I am slowly approaching the stage in my pregnancy were we found out about Joel's CCAM condition when I was pregnant with him. I am not going to lie, I am scared of attending me scan, up until now everything has been hunky dory & just the thought of attending that scan & finding out the worst & everything no longer being "okay" is really rather terrifying. 95% of me KNOWS there is absolutely not much chance at all it can happen again but there is also that 5% of me that thinks, well don't get too cocky, it's happened before & nobody has said its not impossible to happen again so just keep your mind open & your heart guarded just in case you do have to face it again. 

Asides from my worries I am really looking forward to seeing my little bean again & I am also hoping I can get another chance with my friend & she will forgive me, but for now I am just giving her the time & space she needs. I know i've been out of order & hurtful, I ust wish i'd got my brain into gear before my mouth. O_O 

but that's me all over, born with foot in mouth disease. This is not a post for her to look at in hope she'll feel sorry for me, this is just me doing what I sometimes need to do & writing things down to get them off my mind. A way of coping, my blog isn't just here for me to bitch & rant, although sometimes it does help ;) my blog is here to help me get through my bad days. 

Thanks for reading. 

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