Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Diary Post #88. - The raw truth of "Manic Depression"

Dear Diary

I need to get this off my chest... I suffer with Manic Depression. I have recently been through three lots of brainn surgery to correct my VP Shunt & this has caused me memory loss & so I have been forgetting to pop down to the chemist to collect my prescription for my anti-depressants. which aso means I went a good 13 days with no medication & on Saturday (4th April) I totally flipped my lid.

Thankfully my children weren't home to witness it, they had gone out with my hubbys parents for the afternoon, but they did have to bring the children back early because I had gone completely bonkers. I can't even begin to explain it, it was like I had been completely taken over by something else, I could see what I was doing but I couldn't stop myself. My husband ended up locking me out when I walked out of the house, & when I came back to "pack my bags because I was leaving" the door was locked & I couldn't get in, so I decided to walk round into the back garden pick up a large wooden bedding plant pot & launch it at the kitchen window.. thankfully my wrist gave way as I through it & it bounced off the window cill! (however I did sprain my wrist) the next thing I knew my neighbor was stood next to me trying to calm me down & she managed to convince me to go over to hers to calm down.. Once I had I headed back home, & when I walked in the door I found my hubbys parents there, but when I said I was leaving they both said together "you're not taking the kids" she I screamed back "oh yes I am" & ran upstairs, opened my wardrobe & started throwing holdall bags & clothes onto my bed. my mother in law then came upstairs to calm me down & after screaming & shoutinf at her too I fell to pieces on my bedroom floor.. so it ended up me on the floor in a heap & my mother in law holding me tight, stroking my hair & wiping my tears as I totally & completely broke down.

& what was even worse, was that I spent the rest of Saturday & the whole of Sunday feeling guily as hell for telling Neil that I was leaving & calling the police (because he'd tried holding me down to calm me but because of things that have happened in the past, which is a different story, I totally freaked out & this is when I flipped.) I felt devastated that I ended up in a screaming match with the one women who I see as my second mum & who has been there for me since I was 17 years old (i'm just so glad she knows me, she told me that she knew it wasn't me so to speak, but I still felt awkward as hell when we went for tea on Sunday.. I love my husband to death, we've had so much going off since last year when he lost his job, & on top of that I have been through so much in the past few months with my surgeries & I just think that Saturday was the end of my teather! I needed that realease (although I wish to god that it wasn't that bad)

Feeling ashamed & guilty are the worst two combinations ever. So on Monday I took myself away from social media & I concentrated on what was important to me! MY FAMILY. we had a lovely Bank Holiday Monday, in the morning Neil's mum & dad came around & took the children out for a few hours (no arguments occured this time) then in the afternoon we all went out for a nice long walk in the afternoon sun, which was exactly what I needed, to blow them cobwebs away. I linked arms with my mother in law, we talked, I cried a little & it really helped me to feel better (along with the fact that my "happy pills" are now starting to get back into my system) I also spoke to one of my friends, my husbands best friend, Jamie, & he helped me through my dark patch too! I think if I am honest with myself, I am going to feel a little raw & guilty about what happened on Saturday for a little longer yet, but I guess that is the raw truth of a mental illness. I know it wasn't me & that I wasn't myself, & everybody has told me that it wasn't my fault. so now I am concentrating on healibg my wounds & getting on with my life the best I can with my husband, children & my family all behind me supporting me every step of the way. 

I know that I can do this now. 
I have to beat depression, because on Saturday, it almost beat me. 

1 comment:

  1. Big hugs to you. It's really scary how different we can be when we get in an episode. I understand your guilt