Thursday, 9 April 2015

Diary post #89 - Life Before My Husband & Children..

Okay i'll be honest here, I don't really like talking about my past, but seen as i've been asked too, I will, but please don't judge me by what you are about to read. 

When I was 9 years old my mum & dad split up, my dad was a massive wife beater, a total fucking scumbag! numerous times we witnessed my mum being beat by this monster I called my "dad" one night he came in our room whilst we were all in bed, (me & my 3 sisters had all climbed into one bed & were cuddled together because we'd heard them shouting & screaming at each other downstairs)  he called us all bastards, told us our mum was a slut, then he dragged her in by her hair, threw her up against the wall & started punching her in the face, right in front of us! me & my 3 sisters somehow managed to push him out of the bedroom & all sit behind the door so he couldn't get back in, all whilst our mum was on conscious on the bedroom floor covered in blood! Thankfully that was the last time he hit my mum, infront of us anyways, she got the courage after being with him 19 years & left him. 

After my mum had left our dad she moved us into a cosy two bedroomed house & a few months down the line, started dating a guy from the army, he seemed nice, showered us with gifts etc etc, but, it didnt last long, a few months down the line whenever our mum was out, he would shout at us, if we left toys/clothes lying around he would shred them/trash them in front of us! one day, me & my sister went on a bike ride & my mum came to pick us up later on & raced us home! when we were putting our bikes in the yard our pup got out, he went looking for our mum! I ran after him, I chased him until I couldn't breathe! he ran into the local chippy & I screamed for people to stop him but nobody did, he then ran out of the chippy & down onto the main road, my mum was over the other side....... when I got round the corner it was the worse scene i'd ever seen in my life, I was 9 & half & our pup was laid in the road wailing in pain after being hit by a passing bus.! an image that will to this day never leave me! I will never forget my mum walking up the backstreet cuddling him in her arms breaking her heart. when we got home, her fella was there & he sent us to our room & my mum took the pup to the vet, whilst she was out he came into our room, ordered us all to remove our pants & underwear & lie on our bellies side by side.... what happened next was horrific! He removed his belt from his jeans & began to hit us one by one over & over until we were all screaming for him to stop! Days later my mum came home from the vet & told us that our pup had gone to heaven. to this day I have blamed myself :( Just thinking about all this makes me shiver. We never told our mum about her fella beating on us, we assumed she knew, but eventually her relationship with him fizzled out & he disappeared.

Schooling & Teenage Years:

I developed "issues" I never trusted men, I was to say the least, a bit of a "rebel" when I was in school, I started off as the "teachers pet" but as I got older & started senior school I got bullied a fair bit so I began to change. I wanted to be like the "in crowd" I started to back chat the teachers just so the bullies would think I was cool, my grades dropped & a few times I was placed on "report" for my behavior. when I left school I attended 6 form college for 2 years & by this point I had formed a decent circle of friends & was no longer a "rebel" but I was to say the least, very immature! I was the clown, the one that made everybody laugh, the one that sorted everybody's relationship problems, the one that gave everybody a shoulder to cry on & advice! I thought that if I sorted everybody else, nobody would question me, therefore I could hide my pain & my past. 

Me & my friends would spend nights in our local park hanging out in the kids area playing on the swings & trying to be all "hard" but really all we looked was immature & silly.When I was 17 I started going out drinking with other friends & hit it off with a 26 year old & ended having a one night stand :o (my biggest regret ever by the way) I continued to drink for a fair few months (until my body couldn't take the alcohol no more) it was my way of blocking out my life!

Meeting the Man Who Changed my Life Forever:

Just before my 18th Birthday I met Neil, & something inside my head clicked, it was like a switch.... I was SMITTEN & straight away I didn't want to drink, I didn't want to hang out with my friends I just wanted to be with him, I needed him to make everything okay. The first 5 months of our relationship was based on phone calls & texts (with us living 150 miles apart) I told him everything, he was the first person I EVER opened up too. I guess at first I kinda saw him like abit of a fatherly figure but then as our relationship got more serious & we finally met up I started seeing him more as my best friend & my lover obviously, the only person I would & could tell everything too & he wouldn't judge me. 

2 years after getting together when I was 19, He proposed, I then uprooted & moved to live with him in Leeds. I left my family & my friends behind & fell into his arms every night, I was in utter love. I still am.

A year after that we got married, I never really wanted kids, I was too much of one myself, but then when I was 21 I started feeling differently, I started to get broody, all I could think of was having my own child & giving them the childhood I never had.. we started trying & just before my 23 birthday I gave birth to our son..! again I was smitten. I also gave bvirth to his sister just before my 27th birthday, & everyday that I wake up & to my children, I never want them to ever go through what I did. I want them to have everything I never had, a happy childhood & a loving, happy home life. Meeting Neil & becoming a parent saved me. I still have my issues & suffer with manic depression/anxiety but all I have to do when i'm having a bad day is look at my children & I know that I did something right. 

I have my days when I think I dont want to be here anymore, people would be better off without me, but thats all my issues biting me in the arse & when I do think sanely, I know that for JOEL & FELICITY, I need to get through this, they need their mummy & I need them.

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