Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Diary post #110... When I say "SORRY" I mean it.

Dear Diary..

i'm not going to lie here.. ever since I saw the eye specialist a few weeks ago about my headaches - which then turned out to be "pigment dispersion Glaucoma" in both of my eyes, & then after that I saw the doctor & we discussed ALL of my health issues & what will & what might happen in the future, I have hit a massive low. i've become paranoid as I know that I sometimes go on alot about how I feel & the stuff that is going on in my life & things I have been through, & as much as I try to stop myself, at the same time I can't stop because its a huge relief to get it off my shoulders & writen down.. 

I deleted people from my personal facebook recently, people who where my friends - "where" they want nothing to do with now & I do not blame them! the truth is, I didn't want the past repeating itself & the getting hurt by me - again! a couple of years ago I hit the self-destruct button & totally "went off the rails" where my mental health was concerned & ended up in councilling for I don't know how many months! so this time I am trying SO FUCKING HARD to hold things together, but I am not going to lie, I am really struggling!! I am the sort of girl who doesn't find it easy to talk about how I feel... I never have done & this is what causes these "lows." so instead I just shut people out, at the time I don't care who they are, I just want them gone! I feel the need so bad to be ALONE that I isolate everyone & anyone.. but this time I royally screwed up! I didn't talk to nobody I just acted apon how I was feeling.. I once again let my moods get the better of me. I knew things where slipping & I couldnt ask for help.. I really wanted too, but I couldn't. 

I am not writing this to look for pitty, attention, forgiveness, sympathy. I am simply writing this because I want to apologise to each & every person that I have "snubbed" you all know exactly who you are... please believe me when I say I am trying SO HARD to get back on track, to sort my fucked up little head out.. I hope that one day you can maybe all forgive me for my "act first & think later" approach on things.. I really don't mean a single word I say.. half of the time I don't even know WHAT I am saying.. I am just mouthing off to rid of this "feeling" that I can't explain. I am not a fruit loop - although I seem to be acting like one just recently.. I just didn't/don't want to hurt nobody like I did in the past so I hit the delet button without no explanation, no questions & no answers. so for that I am truly from the bottom of my heart very sorry. 

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