Monday, 10 October 2016

Today is World Mental Health Day

I have fought Manic Depression & PTSD since I was 19 years old. I have had PND twice, & I have walked into my health visitors office with my child's bags packed & told her to take him away from me because I wasn't good enough for him. I have spent YEARS fighting with myself & the demons in my head, fighting to find myself once more, I have been on & off god knows how many different medications, & I been under umpteen different counselors & I have fought those horrible thoughts & people in my head that tell me to just end it all.

I am one of the MANY faces of Mental Health, I have been bullied all my life, through school, college & even work! I have been shamed as a parent & a wife & YET I still stand strong, fighting back & showing the world that, you know what? FUCK YOU!!

I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!! I am not afraid to admit that yes I have problems, I am not afraid of the nightmares that used to eat me up for days, now I talk about them instead of bottling it up, & it helps. I am not afraid to open up & say that I am having a shit day & I need a cuddle & a chat. EVERYDAY I am learning my triggers & finding ways to conquer them! everyday I get that tiny bit stronger, & yes I have my fall backs, I get angry, I lash out, & then I feel guilty & want to die! but thankfully, I am blessed & so grateful for ALL the people in my life that are always there to help me out of a shit mood, those that are always there to make me laugh when all I want to do is cry, those that go out of their way to help me realize that, YES!! I am NEEDED, WANTED & LOVED, when all I want to do is curl up into a ball & die.

I am not the person I was when I was 19 years old, I have grown, I still struggle, but I am stronger & with each & every day I am kicking the asses of all those demons & I am saying fuck you to Manic Depression & PTSD. I have come a long way in all those years, & for that I am & always will be, proud of myself.

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